Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive

I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.

“Alexa, homeschool the children.”

Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.

2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(I’m not deleting this)

It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo

I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else

GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]

You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?

That’s preposterous

We are all just prisoners here of our phone device

things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy

I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken- what

Me: what

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’

Them: “I hate to be a…”

Me: “Then don’t.”

HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.

My good tweets are in my other pants.

The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.

You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me

Her: like a mom

Me: haha exactly, and—

Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili

I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…

Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out