They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
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So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
wtf is an acronym
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn鈥檛 find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Apparently you can鈥檛 complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
In order to stop teeth grinding, it鈥檚 recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you鈥檙e at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
Me: Just so you know, I鈥檓 on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Golf would be better with landmines.