Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

*getting murdered*

WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*

Okay, proceed.

If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.

yeah I’m excited for Dune 2

dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you

GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.

Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”

I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.

Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here

I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.

me: how much for the boquet of dogs

girl walking dogs: huh

me: *slipping her $5* how about now

my gf left me bc i’m paranoid

nvm she’s back, she went pee

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney

A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem

Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.

Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man

I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.

The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something

Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through

Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead

I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.

Skeleton: I’m you from the future

Me: how long?

Skeleton: 2 months

Me: are you here to warn me?

Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me

Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!

10,000 chores when all you need is a nap

“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”

i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.