Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

[dressed like Slave Leia]

Them: Haha ready for Halloween?

Me: Halloween?

Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?

ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs

HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan

ME: ok we have two problems

bigfoot

the abominable snowman

chupacabras

the loch ness monster

a unicorn

mermaids

restful sleep

dragons

a super walmart

werewolves

happiness

cyclops

a 2,000 calorie diet

santa claus

I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?

Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

Every Political Ad Ever:

I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*

People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are

Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am

I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.

The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them

yall want some gasoline milk

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”

I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long

“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.

girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height

me: yeah no need to add too much info!

girl: ok but how tall are you?

me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important

saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.

Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings

Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?

“This is from the both of us”

– my parents giving me mental illness

I camp so other people don’t have to.