They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
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Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.