They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
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It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.