They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
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Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
#math
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard