They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
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Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”