Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.

This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.

[first date]

HER: i’m really into astronomy

ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say

Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.

Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes

Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*

Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*

Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy

Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

termites walking up to the ark: two please

noah: any dietary restrictions?

termite: yeah we only eat woo—

noah:

termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool

noah:

termites:

noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters

This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like

HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do

airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?

me: how many spiders am I allowed?

airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*

Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science

[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]

me: when is the Jerk King off?

chef: what

[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]

5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.

“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”

No.

“I’ve got plenty of time.”

Sure.

“I’m not lonely.”

Sir, are you going to buy anything?

My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16

Good dog. ❤️

I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.

Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.

Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.

I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.

Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.

Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.