They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
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My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Cats (2019)
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.