Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.

Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi

I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea

“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”

(silence)

(silence)

*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”

me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom

dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no

“Just dashing to the shops”

Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]

Man [grabs car keys]

A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.

We all know that communication is the key.

Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.

My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.

Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA

ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.

My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.

I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.

As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?

boss: sorry, we have to let you go

me: in the middle of a work retreat?

boss *severing my rock climbing rope*

Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.

Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”

Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.

Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*

My husband is working from home and he’s still late.

Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more

If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.

being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita