They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
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shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
about to have the best blueberries of my life
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”