They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
You Might Also Like
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.