Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there

Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised

Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆

My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.

My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Also my husband:

Me: *clears throat*

Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

13: Want to drive me to school?

Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.

13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.

Me: It’s not on the way.

13: I’ll pay.

Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.

Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.

Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.

My phone: Would you like to save this password?

Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes

Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times

I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.

I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.

wife: did you pee on the seat

me: maybe a little

bus driver: ok both of you off now

{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie

{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.

Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.

date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”