They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
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Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Kermit goes Blue.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot