Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?

Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”

Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.

Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.

*never gets laid again*

guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog

Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.

the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse

A chocolate advent calendar is a test of restraint that I simply do not have

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

[boiling pot]

dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.

When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.

Yes

Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.

Everyone:

My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.

(3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*

[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”

[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?

[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.

was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished

until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”

[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.

[Later]

Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit

My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.

Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.

What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?

A Candy Cane.