They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
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That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}