They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
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why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Me, reading some of your tweets
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.