They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
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My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Cinema or bowling
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know