Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap

After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.

-My son, apparently

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?

“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”

-Inventing the bread bowl

[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force

Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one

My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about

Me: you’re a coward

Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”

“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015

I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.

Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.

I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.

2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.

Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”

Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.

Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.

Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂

Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park

Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza

There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos

*tries to lose weight by talking about it*

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN

me: why’d you pull me over?

cop: I think you know why

me: it’s my eyes isn’t it

cop: …

me: *sigh* they’re hazel

cop: so mysterious

when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face

“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.

Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.

me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met

her:

me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape