Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

That’s not a tweet.

Alcohol: Yes it is.

Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!

just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…

I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”

I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.

Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.

[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”

If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy

My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time

I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

[trying to sleep]

Me: ok, just breathe and relax.

Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED

Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.

I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what

[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*

Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat

DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord

DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?

DV: fire!

[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]

me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*

my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*

Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.

“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

[On the phone]

Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No.

The wife and I just got divorced.

We split the house………I got the outside.

Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that

Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.

If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?

95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers