They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
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No laws when master is gone
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
✌️
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.