I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
You Might Also Like
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
my retirement plan is braless
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.