They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
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I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.