They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
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I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Made something I’m not proud of
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Welcome
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on