Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”

Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit

Me: Are you sure about that?

*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*

Cop: Have a nice day, sir.

Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?

oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood

Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK

Dracula: vhoa

[1st date]

Him: Do you like magic?

Her: I LOVE MAGIC

Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]

Her: *Screams*

Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.

cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here

I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor

Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.

dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩‍⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️‍♀️👶

Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.

It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach

Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine

Husband getting dressed:

Me: Purple and green don’t go together.

Husband: It works for the Joker.

Me: My point exactly.

Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement

Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot

Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.

Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.

ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.

AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.

ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.

Some people come into our lives only briefly

Some touch our hearts and will always be with us

And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone

KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows

Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email

If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.