Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.

I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.

They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no

Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.

Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?

‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’

serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death

me: so you’re gonna let me live

At a doctor appointment:

“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”

HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!

Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”

Yeah, don’t do that.

My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.

bears

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.

me: sorry for speeding officer

cop: you’re parked

me:

cop: in the intersection

me: I can smell your thoughts

cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles

[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say

“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.

Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…

Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.

When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.

FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar

Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.

Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.

Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.

Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.

And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

Tastes like chicken.

I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.

Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse