Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.

Just not with each other, obviously.

My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.

The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…

If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.

Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?

17: That the public is crazy.

Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”

dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone

Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

[first date]

HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?

ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.

HER:

As a man you should NEVER watch your woman struggle to pay bills.

Dump her and find one with some money

if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style

I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys

[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]

ME: oh no, is it my time?!

GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…

my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself

“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”

– People who haven’t met me yet

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

[pregnant with first child]

Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.

[two years later]

Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.

Wife: she’s fine.

*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately

My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.

I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.