Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”

9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.

Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)

WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe

“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people

[during a plane crash]

Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!

Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Maybe I misheard him…

But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.

Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.

I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,

I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.

7:15AM – Dammit.

Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.

My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.

me: what drink ya got there?

11: a smoothie I made

me: oh. What’s in it??

11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.

me: and you won’t eat a tomato.

I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.

GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!

The holidays are always tough on me….

One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.

Still haunts me.

Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?

Everyone…

How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.

Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.