Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

[trying to sleep]

Me: ok, just breathe and relax.

Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED

I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.

Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?

Me: Sure.

Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.

(Watching him change a flat tire)

Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it

Me: We sure will

(Hands him the bottle)

Him: The CAR jack

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE

sheepdog: god i hate this guy

sheep: BAH BAH BAH

sheepdog: ok i hate all of you

Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket

RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend

Chicken bread

Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it

Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!

umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.