They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
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You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.