They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
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*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Overheard:
“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”
“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?