They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
You Might Also Like
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either