they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
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Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it