they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
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Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
The legends were true
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth