they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
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*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
called in thicc to work this morning
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!