Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?

Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”

#mumlife

Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog

Have you tried complaining about it for hours?

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

My resolutions are:

1) Stop making any lists.

B) Be more stable.

7) Learn to count.

Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside

Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.

Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.

When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*

how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one

Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy

I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.

Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off

the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar

*puts on workout clothes*

*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*

You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.

It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.

My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early

the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes

Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.

Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems

Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key

Now who done made this a sport lmao

DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.

I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.