Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Warden: Have you completed your analysis?

Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL

Warden: I’m not paying you

[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7

[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up

My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤

~Conversations I have with my couch

“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes

F*** you and the horse you rode in on!

Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.

Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am

I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.

on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me

Speak now or ever hold your peace

corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them

Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.

just left a huge legacy in there

Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Um…

D: Seriously?

M: …

D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.

M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN

Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?

Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.

“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”

“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”

“And run the hospital cafeteria!”

“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”

To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.

I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t

MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.

Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.

Thank Satan it’s Monday.

*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..

I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.

Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.