They did not miss in the small print
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I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
work smarter, not harder
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*