They did not miss in the small print
You Might Also Like
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
i would wish you the best but i am the best
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????