Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.

I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.

{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.

Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul

Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

Twitter remains undefeated

Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency

[first day as a mover]

boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.

me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S

72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.

Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.

This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.

the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me

Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works

Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

EXPLORER: so we found all this new land

KING: Sweet What did you name it?

E: Newfoundland

K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.

The vet looked me over.

He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey

Pet Cemetery 3:

People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.

Somebody buries dinosaur bones.

Jurassic Park ensues.

ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile

CELLMATE: no

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.

there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.

if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”

This staff meeting could have been a haiku.

“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.