They did not think through this water fountain
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Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science