They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
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Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Genius idea!!
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
…..pretty much.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.