They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
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Sir!!
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
