They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
You Might Also Like
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
[shakes fist at other fist]
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.