Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.

Im going to bed. I want this place cleaned up by morning

Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.

-Kids

trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies

when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out

…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…

[Chapstick Season]

I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

[Seeing your baby for the first time]

Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.

Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.

It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.

They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma

Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.

Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.

*roving gang of doctors walk past house*

*feral teacher crashes through window*

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: things couldn’t get worse

2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

My birthstone is a marshmallow.

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.

Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.

HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes

Take my advice, I’m not using it.

🐶😂

ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.

People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be

I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters

Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.