They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
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The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Fat chances are my favorite chances
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!