They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
You Might Also Like
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament