They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
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“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30