They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
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[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
That’s easy for you to say
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you
bought wrong eggs
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Salad is the decaf of food.