Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

inmate: hey man why so sad

me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone

inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?

me: not the one with the file in it

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

[At job interview]

Interviewer: Do you have a police record?

Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette

*hires me instantly

Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”

PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.

I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.

What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?

A blood vessel…

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me

That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”

Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME

And I laughed so hard I cried

So yeah! I’m great at dating

3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”

1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.

Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head

Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.

HIM: Why is this sticky?

ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth

😂🐈‍⬛

I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.

[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.

Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.

Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card