Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.

WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?

India’s tiger population is up 30%!

I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English

WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.

My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.

If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

Academic paper protip:

end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”

At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong

“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”

Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?

Other friend: What, like in tacos?

This is why I love them.

😆

My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat

The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.

Get real…

To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0

millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND

I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.

She’s not dead, just very condescending.

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”

“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows

[introducing a girl to my parents]

“These are the roommates I was telling you about”

[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”

[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD

HER: I love how we always finish each other’s

HIM:

HER:

HIM:

HER: Marriages

I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.

ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway

Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…

i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening