They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
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During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?