They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
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How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
I can fix him.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Just parrot things
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.