Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit

the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.

“Are you just going to sit there all day?”

“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”

“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly

Me: I need to get something off my chest

Him: Here’s a towel

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.

I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

GUY: I think I’m done eating

ME: did you need a to-go box?

DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that

John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?

Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

my computer: consider changing your password

me: consider fighting me in the streets

I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late

He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.

*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*

Me serving decaf

Boss: You’re late.

Me: Only in this time zone.

Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.

WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.

ME: A John Dough

HER: Get out!

Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.

Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.

Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup

Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear

Him: cuts ear off

Her: I just wanted u to listen to me

Him: nah, I’m good

Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.

Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.

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Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?

Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.