Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”

HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.

Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.

My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.

Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.

[on my deathbed]

“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”

*dies*

If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do

I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”

I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.

Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?

(Lionel Richie, speed dating)

Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective

*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*

Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.

Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex

I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.

Oh, you fell in love?!

I fell in my bathtub.

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.

On the list of things I’ve learned today:

1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes

I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?