They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
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The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.