Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
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People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets