They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
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My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
They’re the worst 😩
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
*seductively corrects your posture*
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
