They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
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Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
This probably isn’t good
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
I thought this was funny lol
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.