Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you

me: stop threatening me

I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.

[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.

i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.

Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.

And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.

me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight

him: sure how about a movie

me: cool you pick

[halfway through Teen Wolf]

me: you tricked me

[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT

My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!

Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son

My son: say your line mummy!

Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges

[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL

I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.

Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.

So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.

On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..

*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.

A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.

A cabbage a day keeps people away.

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over

When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.

The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for