They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
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this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
me hooking up with my ex
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Well, that should do it
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?