They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
You Might Also Like
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
This is the best one I’ve seen
oh shit
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Me: Did you bring a poop bag in case the dog poops?
Bf: I brought 2 bags!
Me: Oh, good. I can take a poop then too.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita