They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
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Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Finally! 😈
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming