They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
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ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Spotted in the wild
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Good morning
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me