they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
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The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
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[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting