They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
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I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look