They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
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Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise