They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
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My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Hmmmmm
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.