Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.

ㅤ

I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death

Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this

I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.

Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog

Him: the what?

Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???

I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.

The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.

My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

penguins are just ducks going to a wedding

That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.

Sup?

r kelly: will you touch this shower quick

king midas: why

God: you’re a penguin.

Penguin: actually I’m a spy.

God: uh no you aren’t.

Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?

God: that’s just what you look like.

Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.

God:

Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.

Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?

Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…

How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!

I aspire to be birds

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*

most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines

you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough